Toxic Relationships.

I write this blog from my own personal experience and past relationships. It’s all very well writing positive blogs about how well we can all do and how much we all want change; but how can things change if we don’t talk about taboo subjects?

Everyone is vulnerable – but those who suffer from mental illness are a little more vulnerable because they doubt their own minds and thoughts; when someone else taps into that and chimes with the voice in your head it can be hard to decide who to believe. Yourself? Or the two voices?

How does it start?

You think you find the one, but it’s all moving a bit too fast? Suspicious but not suspicious enough to say anything. They seem nice enough, right? They do little things for you, they’re always wanting to see you, walk you home from work etc. They even show little signs of jealousy – how amazing! My partner cares.

They make sly digs about your appearance or thoughts or hobbies or passions but then they compliment you straight after about something else – it’s like a shit sandwich. Right there in the first few weeks; they plant those vital seeds of doubt. It’s manipulation but not quite.

Your partner will tell you how their last partner let them down – how they abused them and treated them so beyond bad that they can’t help who they are now. You feel sorry for them.


Next comes weeks of arguing and ‘jealousy’, they shut you off from friends and family because no ones there for you like them! No one else is good enough for you! But it’s not that. It’s that if you have other people around you they will help you get out. They’ll show you who your partner really is.

But they haven’t hit you. So it’s not abuse is it?

This thought goes around and around in your head. Is it? You convince yourself it isn’t. It must be me. If i hadn’t have done what i did then this wouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t matter if all you did was want to stay at home. It’s your fault. You dissatisfied them.

One day the argument goes that little bit further. They raise their voice that little bit louder. They push you.

But they haven’t hit you. So it’s not abuse is it?

Your partner put their hands on you; but it’s your fault because you made them do this. Didn’t you? But it wasn’t a hit. There are no marks.

A cry for help.

Suddenly those little things turn into favours, your passions are pure stupidity and you’re too thick to have your own opinion count. You have no one around to reassure you and you’re far too emotional because they didn’t really mean what they said. Can’t you take a joke? It’s your fault they’re mad because you didn’t satisfy them and their demands.

You’re alone, crying and panicking but it’s your fault. You deserve this.

Except you DON’T.

You know this. You try for weeks and weeks to get out but each time they convince you they’ll change, they know they were wrong but they didn’t mean it. They’ll do better. They won’t.

You finally gain the courage to tell one person. You’re almost saved.

Almost because you have to endure weeks and weeks of stalking and false accounts and unknown callers. You endure weeks of police reports and call outs and rape alarms just to feel safe in the street. How do you cope? How will you get through this?


How to spot an abusive person:

  • Quick commitment
  • Selfish with you
  • ‘Concerned’ or ‘jealous’
  • Play victim
  • Sweet and caring – sometimes

There are 1000000’s of early signs and warnings – Please google them if you feel you’re in that situation.


Being in a toxic/abusive relationship does not mean you are hit or physically abused. It can be emotional or physical or sexual or a mix of all three. It can be very well hidden and is not gender dependant. Men and women can be both the victims and the abusers. Nor are toxic relationships age dependent, you could be 13, 33, or 93. Abuse is abuse. If you get caught in one it’s not your fault and it does not by any means mean that you’re weaker than everybody else. You’re strong and will come back from this.

If you or anyone you know needs help then call 101. I did and now I’m free.


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