I previously wrote a blog, Nine to Seven. which was about my battle to gain weight but I didn’t really go into detail about how gaining that weight made me feel and the battle to keep it up. Sooooo I bring you this blog.
Loss of control
Weight loss symbolised my need for control, as well as the result of the critical thoughts that linger inside my head, but now I’m trying to fight those thoughts I really feel I have lost control. I hate my body and it really brings down my self-esteem but I’m too tired to do anything – not eating was the easiest option.
I experience break downs nearly every time I have to go out – I actually sold my large mirror and am putting off buying a new one because I can’t face looking at myself. I critique my cellulite and my thighs because they’re the most obvious body part to have gained weight. All my effort goes into not giving in to those thoughts; I feel I must have control elsewhere in my life. Everywhere else.
My very own critique
I know that I should know my body is fine the way it is but I can’t help feeling self-hatred. I hate my fatter face and much preferred the distinguished jaw line; I hate my larger hips and was much prouder of the size 6 I used to be; I hate the bump I have between my thigh and my bum and much preferred when it wasn’t there.
My thoughts ask me, “Was it really so bad to be underweight?”. It’s really hard to say yes. I feel I was happier with the level of control I had but it was unhealthy.
It is so hard not to give in to the thoughts, they consume me every single hour of every single day; I feel I have gained my very own critique.
I find myself trying to keep busy; trying to prevent my thoughts trailing back; trying to gain control – enough to satisfy my need.
My goodness I have gone absolutely mad with cleaning! I even vinegar my taps so that they shine; I clean everything with two types of bleach I Detol my door handles; I’ve cleaned my mattress to within an inch of its life! I’m running out of things to clean and it’s becoming a daily cycle. I used to do a full house clean once a week but it has become once a day, only it will take up majority of my day.
Which is worse?
I find myself asking that question a lot. Which is worse? The weight loss? Or the weight gain? I can’t decide. Does one have to be worse than the other?
Would I rather be underweight and constantly catching illnesses; finding it hard to buy clothes that fit; hardly eating; throwing up daily due to the anxiety of throwing up?
Or would I rather be a healthy weight and fighting the urge to not hate myself; fighting the urge to go back; finding the balance between overeating and under eating; poor self-esteem?
I don’t know.
Please if anyone has the same struggle, reach out.