I wish I could show love. 

The thing about depression and anxiety is that it’s all or nothing. Your emotions are hightened or you have no emotion at all. Majority of the time, my emotions are non existent. It’s like wearing a mask 24/7 that communicates fake happiness and care to the world when I simply feel nothing at all.

I wish I could show love.

But really it’s not that I have no emotion – it’s like I have another me trapped inside this lifeless body. She feels, she feels love and purity, happiness, anger, fear. But there’s a huge locked door and nobody can find the key – who will find the key?

In the next room is a lifeless figure; who may only ever communicate selfishness, anger, tiredness and lack of care. Somehow it has its key to the door. The figure has more power because in a mind full of depression, negativity takes over.

I am very much isolated because of my inability to figure out how to unlock my feeling. My friends and loved ones may take it as pushing them away and not loving them.

I can promise it’s not.

The me trapped behind this locked door screams out every second of everyday.

When I don’t cuddle you because you’re crying and need me – I am screaming at my self but the figure won’t listen.

When you’re shouting at me to show you love – I’m screaming right back and telling you I do, but the figure won’t listen.

When you’re forfilling my needs and showing me love – she begs to show gratitude and return it right back.

The figure won’t listen.

I wish I could show love.

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