Tired. 

I struggle with being tired – but not tired like any other normal person. I can barely get up and take care of myself without feeling the need to return immediately to my bed.

Why don’t I sleep more you ask?

It’s not so much being just tired. It’s being tired of feeling depressed and anxious. It’s being tired and feeling like you have to perform just like everyone else if not better just to prove a point. It’s being tired of panic attacks and overthinking and being alone. It’s being tired of carrying around this lifeless body that once was so happy and pure. It’s like living inside your own grave.

But i mean it is also being physically tired. I cannot shut off, my brain is constantly active – how tired would you feel after running a sprint race? Because that’s how fast my heart beats every second of every day without even moving. I yawn. I nap. I am always tired.

Constantly I am undermined – how on earth can you be tired? You’ve only done a four hour shift, I’ve just done a 12 hour shift it should be me who’s tired. 

You know, you’re right. It should be you, but it’s not. I would give anything to only be tired after a long, hard, physical shift. What people don’t understand is that my WHOLE life is a long, hard shift.

Shifting between unbearably depressed and ok. Never happy, never complete. Always and undoubtably tired.

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