Here i sit, 19:44pm – frustrated. I’m frustrated because although i know i’m not alone it can truly feel like that. Anxiety and depression are 100% umbrella terms and that means most cases are different, with different symptoms and reactions and reasons – so no matter how hard you try to relate to someone, you never truly will 100%. Do you know how alone that feels?
My side effects constantly contradict themselves. I want to be left untouched but i want to cling on to you; i hate you but i love you, i’m confident within myself but i’m not, i’m energetic but i’m tired. The list is endless.
I constantly distance myself because my depression tells me that i’m better off alone and my anxiety tells me that these people don’t truly like me; i’m just part of a horrific game.
“Just think positive”, “You’ll be okay, it’ll get better”, “What’s causing your anxiety?”, “What made you like this?”, “Why can you never make decisions?” “Why do you push everyone away?”, “It’s your own fault”, “Doesn’t your medication block it all out?”
Why must i excuse these patronising and naive questions? Why must i feel sympathy in the fact that they don’t understand and they just want to know, it’s not their fault right?
Please never tell me it will all be okay. Please never tell me I’ll get over it. Please never ask me if i took my medication today. Please never tell me that it’s my fault i pushed everyone away. Why am i asking this? Because it is none of anyone’s business unless i come to you.
People need to understand that i cannot just get a hobby; i cannot just make friends; i cannot just sort myself out; i cant just think positive.
People on the outside need to understand these things and understand that my cases of mental illness may only ever be understood by myself; and i may never understand it. It is also none of anyone’s business how i chose to share my case.
I never meant to make this post negative; however i really do feel that a lot of sufferers will be able to relate to most of my frustrations. It’s a hard world for anyone, but our world is made harder by our own bodies. It truly amazes me how strong we all are.
Love always x